Au Revoir!!

The idea of putting my thoughts on paper had never crossed my mind. In fact, till late 1998, I did not even read books. But then, while I spent my days under the hot summer sun at Nagpur, that a friend introduced me to the wonderful world of stories and novels.
Like most starters, I too started with the usual Sidney Sheldon’s. Thrill, titillation, and a small challenge, that I could finish a book per day, made me into a habitual reader. Slowly I graduated to Mario Puzo and Tom Clancy’s books. Mario Puzo’s, “Godfather” was a natural read, and impressed me no ends. Tom Clancy gave me my share of thrills and adventure with his high adrenaline endings.
But what really impressed me was the opening chapter of Mario Puzo’s “Fools Die.” The chapter was an autobiographical verse, where the protagonist called himself, “Master of Magic.” So much did the phrase impress me, that I wrote, my own “Master of Magic” in 1999. It was a self appreciating verse, where time is shown as the real Master of Magic.
As I moved back to Delhi, the usual freedom which comes with staying alone went away. Everyday after my post graduation college, I came back to spend time with the family. Somewhere, I reconciled, that my “Master of Magic” was just a flash in the pan and would never be able to repeat it. In fact, in absence of any fresh piece, I used the write –up in college magazines, and later, when I started working, in an office magazine.
It was around this time, when family responsibilities increased, that I started to lose patience. A lot of pent up fury, anger, and depression needed a vent. And so came, the first of my chapters, “Ramblings of a Confused Mind”. This name described my writing to the “T”, and also became as a protective shield for what was store in the future.
When I finished writing my first Ramblings, something strange happened. My mind and body, which had been engulfed in depression, suddenly became free. As if a cobweb, which had been built on my soul, slowly got torn off. What were left was a lot of sweat, and a urge to cry, to celebrate my first step in understanding myself. I had torn myself away from the cobwebs of depression.
This became my mantra, as this single writing took me along safe and sound for about a year or so. And then slowly when the things became difficult, I resorted to writing. Ramblings became my permanent story title, as it galvanized me from the reactions of people who detested my works. May be, there was a very low confidence level or whatever, but adverse criticism, I never liked.
Just to keep my writings in a place, and also to feed on my need for recognition, that I created my blog during this time. Blogging during this time was picking up in India. So, this became an additional source of happiness for me, as people appreciated my blog and a bit of my story telling.
During this time, a period of about 2 years, I wrote, just 3 chapters. Then during early 2006, whilst on hindsight, I realize, my professional life was just picking up that I wrote again. This time the idea was a bad dream, a hallucination. Not such a good piece, but it clearly depicted what was going through my mind.
Two days from finishing this latest piece, that I got my first bit of good news on the professional front. The mood was on an upswing. It was during this time that I wrote two more. Both of them were based on the current goings on in the political and the social climate of the country.
It was during this time that movies, which had always been an indelible influence, on my writings, were for the first time, in over 20 years, were influencing the youth in a very positive way. The idea of revolution, and justice for all were well imprinted in my mind. India was changing, and during this time, that for the first time, my writings started to have more of me. “I” became more and my beliefs, ideas, and outlook on certain social events, weaved into stories, brought about a lot of appreciation from my friends, and a sense of achievement.
During this time, did I really start to harness my creativity. This is further accentuated in an autobiographical account on “Understanding my Anger.”
All through out my brief writing stint, I had seldom travelled on exploiting the emotional equations between two individuals. The thought of writing dialogues, and that too adding romance into them, was an unexplored territory. But as I said earlier, movies play a pivotal role in my stories, that the journey through this unexplored territory became easy.
I became the central character, and the goings on around me, at work, at home, and from the past, became the stage. I started to churn out stories and stories, and within the last 3 months, a total of nine stories were written. All these stories had a lot of aspiration value. They were about what could not happen to me, but how I would like it happen.
2007 started with a bang. I wrote 11 stories in 4 months. Most of them were romantic as I had really taken to this idea. During this time, there were a few contractual stories; stories which friends requested. I was happy to write as there was not much to think about.
People around me started to think of me as a romanticist. Well, nothing wrong with that. I am a romantic at heart. I revel in exploring the emotions and the tension between two people, in my stories. My stories have a part of me, in the sense of aspiration, and are my take on such scenarios.
Having been into Marketing, I now know my target audience, viz. Women, and men like me. They like Sweet Nothings, and anything that moves them. So I write for them, and they read because I make them read. I am a honest writer who loves to explore his creativity. That is why last 4 months, saw me trying free verses, a dark love story, an anti-authoritarian note, and mushy romances.
Since one month, not a single new story has been written. There are few half written pieces, which I would not upload, till I am satisfied. But now satisfaction is difficult to come by. As I feel the time has come for a break. I will write again, but some other time. May be this year, may be next, but I will definitely write, as there are lots of things around us, that warrant a re-look. Also, every time, I have come back, my content has improved.
So in anticipation, of finding satisfaction, till we meet again…….Au Revoir!!

Words

Sometimes we have so much to talk that words elude us. We just stay quiet trying to muster enough guts to say what we always wanted to. And like it came, the moment passes. And we are left to moan over the remains of what could have been the start of something special. However many times we may repeat the lines later, the moment went and with it went a part of us.
But they were different. When they met, words flowed. And nothing was lost in silence. They had so much to talk and share that when standing in a group, they would be talking to each other. Slowly the group would fizzle away and form somewhere else, but they would be unaware, still so alone with each other. And when they could not speak, their eyes spoke.
They were like a chemical reaction which was self sustaining and going strong. Envious eyes followed them wherever they went. But still, they remained aloof and distant; in a world of their own. It seemed as if, talking was necessary to fill up the other person on the twenty odd years spent without each other.
But turning the clock back a little, they had not been instantly attracted to each other. He always thought that she was a spoilt brat, and she that he was a studious nerd. They moved with their own set of friends in the campus till that one day.
As if it had to happen, that day, his eyes met hers as they strolled in the empty classroom. By coincidence, they had reached early for the class. And then one thing led to another. They spoke and liked what the other person spoke. So they spoke some more. And soon, they were asked to leave the class for speaking endlessly while the teacher taught.
They spoke in the cafeteria, they spoke in the car; they just couldn’t help not tell every single detail to each other. Their parents were surprised, their friends were happy; but they just didn’t know what was happening.
One day, his friend asked him, “I think you are in love!!” He vehemently denied. But that set a series of thoughts, and soon he realized he really loved her. They were.....just perfect.
Then started the quest to know what she thought. He was not able to concentrate as they spoke. Suddenly while speaking, he would look at her and start to lose words. He would just keep on staring, till she broke his reverie. He now started to define what colors suited her. He was just falling fast and deep into love with her.
What was it with words, that they eluded when they were needed the most, he thought. He just couldn’t muster up enough courage to tell her.
She was sensing something unusual with him and was now starting to get scared. She didn’t want to lose him. But his sudden change had put her on guard. May be he liked someone else, may be after all, he did not like her. May be, she thought, he was starting to get bored of her. But she could not tell him all this. She was afraid; he may think otherwise and leave her. A part of her knew she was wrong, but that was her heart.
Soon, the sentences became smaller, words were replaced with pauses. And friends began to drop by more often. Family dinners and class assignments became increasingly frequent. And slowly they began to float apart.
Whenever they saw each other, during breaks, they would be so delighted. But now, words were starting to elude them. They started noticing each other’s friends and slowly jealousy started to creep in. Now even the thought of being inseparable became like a dream. There were a lot many differences as they trudged past the final months of college.
Soon college got over, and they got busy with their jobs. Still, they missed speaking to each other. They missed being with each other. They missed a feeling of completeness. But may be they had overrated each other, they thought. Slowly they fell so apart that even sweet memories were unable to bind them together.
They met other people in their lives. But always they tried to find each other in that someone. Some people scored dismal on that scale, and some managed to hold attention. But nobody could really be who they wanted.
Days became weeks, weeks turned into months, and months into years. In each others alumni photographs they became just another face. And soon their respective parents started to pester them to marry someone. Age was not on their side. They had been given a long time to get their acts into place. Now it was time for them to live for their loved ones.
Then by providence, they met at a book store. They tried to avoid each other, but could not. Uneasiness in talking to each other was evident. By courtesy they agreed to stop by for coffee.
The coffee turned out to be great. And waiters were happy to serve them more. The words and memories had found their way out. Soon all appointments were forgotten as they started to enjoy each others company. He had become more silent and resilient, she thought. And he just couldn’t help being mesmerized by her.
But the coffee shop had to close. They were asked to pay up and leave, which they did. As they walked out, realization dawned that this was just a chance encounter. It had to end, and they had to go back into their mundane lives.
They fought the battle hard in their minds and hearts. What if she refuses and why can’t he ask, were the questions that dogged their minds. But words eluded them once again. A feeling of disgust suddenly came into them. And they walked away.
Suddenly he stopped, and turned back. She was still standing there. He walked straight back and held her hand. She started to protest but became silent. Tears started to form in her eyes.

“What took you so long?” she asked.

He kept quiet. And then, slowly he bent on one knee, and took her hand. With a pen in his hand, he drew a ring on her finger.

“Would this do till tomorrow morning when the shops open?” he said.

She was now crying and smiling as she nodded her approval.

The moment was not lost.

Words were not eluding them anymore.

And they talked and lived happily ever after.

Another Cup of Coffee

He was finishing his first coffee as she came in. His eyes had been at the cafe's entrance for sometime now. He stood as she came and settled herself opposite him.
"Thanks for coming", he said
"Well, I had to come. Need to clarify a few things", she went silent as her coffee was served.
Surprised, she looked at him. "How did you know my flavor?"
"Hmm......trade secret", he said and winked at her.
"Are you always like this?"
He smiled, "Nah.....it’s you", and kept on looking at her.
She blushed and as if it to hide herself, started to sip on her coffee. This was not going as per plan. She had to tell him it was not possible. Things had to be set in the right perspective.
"Listen......its not possible", she said. Her hands….. tightly clutching her glass.
"What is not possible? I haven't said a thing."
"See, I am coming out of a bad relationship and getting into another........not possible. And I have just known you for 5 months"
He sighed and gently touched her hands. Her grip loosened on the glass and slowly he held them and brought them in the middle of the table.
She looked the other way. Her lips tightly clutched.
"I told you its not possible", she said softly and tried against her will to leave the gentle grip of his hands.
"I understand everything you say. But please listen to me", he said. Her hands stopped moving as she looked at him, as if prodding him to speak.
"See, we are all like the pieces of an unsolved jigsaw puzzle. We are looking for the right part that completes us, and solves the puzzle. You solve me." He was looking at her. His words were sinking in.
Her hands slowly had a soft grip on his. She looked at him and smiled, "You have a way with words."
He smiled back, "Can I have my coffee now?"
She became conscious and let her hands go. As she withdrew her hands, he smiled and grabbed them back. "I finished my coffee long back."
She blushed, "then, can I finish mine?"
"No.................” he chuckled, "of course you can."
"On one side I understand and like what you say, but my parents are also looking out for someone for me. I don't wanna disappoint them, but their idea of deciding my life partner over a cup of coffee and just one meeting.........not my way."
"Well, we have known each other for 5 months, and this is definitely not our first coffee out together. Give yourself a chance. Give me a chance. I know we can work out."
She smiled and sipped her coffee. "You know I had planned to refuse you and move out fast."
"I know.........I know....” he said, "I have a way with words."
Both of them smiled.
She finished her coffee.
As they moved out, he felt her fingers brushing his hands. He looked at her. And slowly their fingers inter-twined.
"This is good", she said as they walked away.

Spider

He slowly raised his head; his eyes gazing at a distant horizon. Motionless for a few moments, he turned his head, each side once. Slowly, a smile formed on his face.
His hands trembled on the gun kept beside him. He moved his hands roughly over the weapon, as if cajoling it to act. His eyes blinked once.
And then suddenly he raised it, took careful aim and shot. The gun’s plunger hit the vacuum of the barrel and clicked loudly.
"Ah..........” he exclaimed, as a near hysterical laughter emanated from deep inside him.
The could-have been victim slowly wiped the cold sweat off her brows. She slowly ran her fingers through his hair.
He said, "Lemme tell you something interesting today. You must have seen bee's around a fluorescent light. The bee is attracted to the light and keeps on flying near it, inevitably trying to settle on it. But sometimes, a spider comes there and builds a web. The bee unaware of nefarious designs of the spider still gets attracted to the light. It tries to fly to the light but gets tangled in the web. Somehow it manages to get away.
The seduction has begun. The bee keeps on trying, intrigued by the stickiness of the web. The spider keeps on making the web tighter. And slowly the bee gets caught in the web. It writhes to get free but is unable to. And slowly it dies there, life snuffed out of it."
She looked at him quizzically. Her face contorting as a sudden chill ran down. As if to cover up, she rubbed his cheek softly.
He looked at her changing demeanor and asked, "Why did you make me the bee?"
She kept on looking at him. And then when realization dawned, she lowered her eyes. "I am sorry", she said. Her mind was working fast to understand how did he know. He was smart, but she had carefully planned this evening. The cops would be here in minutes. But how did he know?
He saw her puzzled face and picked up a cigarette butt from the dustbin. "You don't smoke non-filtered."
The cops weren't there still. How had she forgotten this small detail? He could never miss this. She had to stop him. But his game face had her speechless. "I love you", was all she could say.
He smiled sarcastically. "I love you too. That's why I am not going to kill you. The cop's you had tipped were ambushed on the last crossing. They now think you double played them."
Her eyes were now full of terror. The police were now after her. They would not rest till they avenge the killing of their friends.
She picked up the gun and aimed at him. "It’s empty." He said and sat back on the chair.
He had tricked her. She had lost and would never be free. Frustrated, she threw the gun at him. Tears were running down her cheeks.
He picked up the gun. Looked at her and smiled. "I am sorry!!" he said and fired. She hit the floor, dead.
He looked at her dead face. They could have been so happy together. Slowly, he walked away.
The cops reached late. There had been no ambush. The spider had tricked them.

Let it out!!

This time I am going to talk about the unspoken. Words, that emanates from deep within us but die out before they pass through our vocal chords. There can be many reasons, viz. emotional, societal strictures, and political concerns. It is true. How many times have u sworn under your breath and still shown a beaming and concerning smile to everyone else? So let’s not get into denial and read ahead.
Well sarcasm is one sure provocative reason which gets our creative imaginations running. Sarcasm generally results from societal and political strictures, though seldom it might have emotional roots too. But when sarcasm is used for its own in a funny way, it surely exemplifies one's wit. Its all about talking and knowing how to talk.
The other day I was with a few friends, one of whom is a little frisky. On being pointed, in a joke, he said may be he was a cop in his earlier avatar. Well, I thank god, he was not a dog earlier.
Then another friend informed all of us that he was getting married. That's good. Now you would say what funny about this? Well he then said his room partner had got married last month. Oh boy!! Was he taking revenge? Well, he should understand in our society Elton John and his partner are still not regarded as a couple.
Sometimes societal strictures bind us from taking everything in a funny stride. I got a SMS from a friend which read like this:
By the Grace of God we have been blessed with a baby boy
But mate if it was all gods’s doing then what about you??
I just couldn't tell him this and messaged back a congratulatory text.
Emotionally speaking, it happens all so often, that we are unable to say how much someone means to us. We go around in circles by going out in a group even though the only person visible, is her. Why can't one just go out and tell her, "You rock my world!!"
Have you ever seen how women meet at parties and societal do's? Well, they would first ignore, and then pass fleeting glances judging each others clothes, jewellery etc. And when they come face to face, they would burst out praying ignorance, and appreciating each others clothes, jobs etc. But as they move away, they would elbow their respective partners and say, "What a b****!!"
This is what I am talking about. We need someone or some medium to say it.
But saying all this, I still do maintain that talking is important. If we don't talk, people will pass off problems as assumptions and try and solve their own problems rather than the real ones. These are tricky situations as the Boss ain't like anyone else's voice. So stay quiet, if you must, but look for a forum to voice your mood. Talk, don't let it stay inside. If you can't write and force others to read it, as I do, talk to your partner or friends. Let the free spirit soar and you would start understanding whatever I have rambled above. All the Best!!

Sweet Nothings

They sat there silently on the opposite sides of the table. Earlier, when they used to meet, holding hands was as good as a norm. But now it was different.
"Why didn't you write something about me? I always wanted you to surprise me someday."
He smiled a knowing smile. "Ok.....let me try."
He scratched his chin. A thin, wiry smile was beginning to form, as thoughts started to come together. "Listen to this....”

I was living a curse,
Until I met you!
It was going to be worse,
Until I met you!
.............
.............
I could have fallen for the nurse
Until I met you!

He laughed and she smiled, softly punching his shoulder, "Very funny!!"
They silently stared at other tables. It was an ironic situation.
"Tell me something sweet", she said, as if cutting through his thoughts.
He looked away and said.....

The moments we shared
The way we cared
You gave me lot of smiles
That would last us all the miles

She looked away. Her hand moved across the table to hold his hand tightly. A small tear drop forming at the corner of her eye.
"I am sorry", she said softly.
"Don't be......it was all its worth."
They were silent for a while.
"Why did you let me go then? Couldn't you have stopped me?” she asked.
"I don't know, have thought of it many times. I couldn't have refused your dad. And, then, I was nothing."
"That’s so stupid. You could have just asked me what I wanted. But you and dad didn't. So let us not discuss this further, it makes me mad."
They stayed silent for some more time. Their hands were so comfortable with each other.
Then she said, "I read something longtime back, it struck a chord somewhere in me. Listen to this......."

Ranjha dhoondan main gayi
Ranjha milaya na moye
Rabb milaya, Ranjha na milaya
Rabb Ranjhe jaisa koye!!

Her eyes were now brimming with tears. A surging pain from the past was coming to the fore. He saw it and stayed quiet for a few moments. Their tightly clasped hands were now providing solace to each other.

"So where is God today?" he asked after another long silence.

Quiet for a while….. She smiled, taking her hands back, "He went to drop the kids with his mom. Should be here any moment.....ah here he is."

They stood and he shook hands with her husband.
"My God", he said winking at her, "we finally meet."
She was fighting hard not to look flushed.
It was going to be a long and difficult, but necessary, evening for all of them. She introduced them and went head on to make peace between her past and present.

Being Romantic

I have long believed that romance is not just a factor of being in love with a person. It is about being in awe of somebody or something that you can't imagine anything else.
Some would compare this to optimism. But being romantic is more than just being optimistic. Optimism still has an amount of sanity attached to it. It is about weighing your options and trying to get to something by a little stretch. Romantic nature throws all caution to wind. It’s about going head on to a problem which most feel is impossible.
It is about ridiculous solutions. Solutions, that do not conform to the universal goings on. Solutions that 99% of the times would go wrong. But the 1% of success would make people sit up and acknowledge in disbelief.
Romanticizing a task is not like a toggle switch. It requires a thorough belief that you can do it. It’s about finding the child inside you and looking at the problem through his eyes. The enormous nature of the problem will never deter you then. You will look for various ways of conquering the problem. It is like looking for the mystical eye of the fish.
All of us believe in something’s which others might think is stupidity. That is the beginning of this romance. It’s about being so stupid in your belief that others' comments don't matter. It’s about reaching the higher state of mind.
Wright Brothers couldn’t have flown the world’s first airplane. Graham Bell couldn’t have invented the telephone; Gandhi couldn’t have raised the hopes of millions; India couldn’t have beaten the World Champion West Indies in the 1983 Cricket World Cup, if they had not been so much in love with their dreams.
To me Tiger Woods is an apt example of a romantic. In a rich white man's game, who would have thought that a demure looking, not-so rich, black man would make a cut so big that the game would be popular for the coming years because Tiger Woods played it.
And on a more recent turn of events, when Tiger was at his peak, that someone came from behind and defeated him in the US PGA, was unexpected.
These upset's to the norm, and the sweet, tempting, taste of success is what inspires romanticism. And once you succeed, it slowly becomes your life blood.
The adrenaline levels peak on seeing a difficult situation. Mind starts looking for ways to tackle it. And the voices of naysayer become blurred as you take the plunge.
The world stands still as your face hits the surface of water and you go deep inside.
As soon as you start the ascent back that you realize that everyone was rooting for you to do it, deep down inside their hearts.
The applause has no meaning now.
You have won over your demons and gotten ahead of the pack.
So next time just don’t worry when they tell you it is impossible and you are mad to even think about it. Just ignore them. Because, getting back with the pack is the easiest then. They will show you a lot of carrots to leave your dreams. But if you leave it then, you will live your life with a broken belief and a permanent tag of “Could Have Been.”
Just don’t stop. Go ahead. Hit it with all you have till the time either the problem gives in or you do.
But believe me there is no problem which can stand the force of a romantic, of a dreamer.
So get up and hit it again!!
We are all romantics at some level. As I said earlier, It’s about finding the child.
Have you found the child inside you?