Friday, June 04, 2004


Over the past few days her eyes had said a story, which he could not comprehend. May be it was one of her moods, he thought. And he did not think again about it.
Then a day before, he had seen her talking on the phone, softly else someone would hear. Something inside him irked. The signs were not right. He asked why she looked upset, she said she wasn’t. Still he somehow knew who she was talking to, and what was in store over the next few days. And still he chose not to face reality.
He could not continue like that. And then, he dared himself, and asked her. She said “He’s back. I haven’t told it to anyone, but I am sure it’s him. When I told him, we both were shocked. He didn’t call me up for a week. It’s still sinking in. Finally, I gave in. I would have told you once everything would have been settled.”
A stunned silence befell between them. He fell back on the chair. A bolt from the past had come and hit him. He was out and, He was in. He lost his temper, fewer words, and more expressions came out.
He felt a revulsion against her from with in. He wanted to get back at her. He wanted to be so, so bad. Hurt her, in ways only which he could. He wanted to be bad, so desperately.
Still, he couldn’t.
All along he knew, someday this would happen. They were poles apart, two sides of the coin. But still they were somehow the same, like internally two sides of the coin are attached. Her one sentence had cut the coin into two.
He was angry. Angry at what or whom, he did not know. Was it her or was it her choice or was it his own fault of accepting what had to happen. Somewhere, something died between them. They would not, and could not be the same.
Well, it’s going to be an awkward time from now on. Betrayal hurts. When close friends betray, it cuts, worse than a knife. Is it betrayal or is it his over estimation of a person. May be, it was the latter. He was an open person. Nothing was hidden. But may be people are not like that. They tell what is asked. May be it was time for him to change.
He looked at the road. It continued till it blurred into the horizon. He picked up his bag, patted the dust off, and took out a small knife, cut his life mantra on to a rock. Another milestone, which he would remember someday, sitting and smiling about. Surely he would.
Dedicated to
The Lives I have Lived
The Deaths I have Died
The Women I have Loved.

He wrote, and walked away into the horizon.

Silent Whispers

She was sleeping on her train seat. Her face was so perfect. She seemed so much in peace with herself. He couldn’t help but look at her and how she exuded pure serenity. His palm on his face, his eyes glued to her, there was a faint smile of disbelief on his lips. How could someone be so beautiful?
She seemed to sense his question, her eyes opened a little. She saw him sitting beside and looking at her. Astonished, turning her face she silently looked back, still holding the thought, “What are you doing?”
He was so much in awe of her that on seeing her awake he still couldn’t turn away. He kept on looking at her. And then the quizzical expression came on her face. He blushed. She had found his secret. He looked at her, smiled, as if telling her, “The same as always.” And he kept on staring at her.
She saw the expression on him, understood what he wanted to say. She smiled, in happiness and in all the possibilities it opened for them, and then closed her eyes again, went back to sleep.
He kept on looking at her, his palm on his face, still thinking what had he done? He hadn’t been able to tell her how much he loved her, for over a year. And now, even without speaking, he knew that she understood. Silence had spoken what words couldn’t. He looked out of the window, at the lonely moon in the night sky, thinking how much he loved her.

Ramblings of A Confused Mind

He lay there battered and bruised under scorching sun. Unable to move he was in terrible pain. He could not even raise his hands. Sweat mixed with blood from his wounds trickled all over him. He could not think of anything. Only what seemed to be comprehensible was the severe pain he felt all over. Apart from the pain, which he now felt a part of himself; he was at complete peace with himself and his surroundings.
And suddenly his world began to tremble. His whole body was shaking now. His mind trying to re-collect and re-examine his current state. Where was he and what was this trembling and shaking all about?
As if someone heard his mind’s plea, there was a loud whistle. Was there a train approaching? What was a train doing here? Where was he? And then he saw a green light. It…it was a signal for an approaching train. Oh God, he was on a train track. This realization brought back the pain he had till now found a part of his existence. He could barely open his eyes. They were swollen. Using immense will power he opened his eyes. He saw a train turn towards where he way lying. It seemed to be a super fast.
He tried to shout, but he could not. He did not have the energy. Tried raising his hands, but they wouldn’t leave the ground. The hot train tracks burning into him. His legs were not responding. He felt immense pain and remorse at himself.
He wanted to react to the situation. But what would that yield? The pain again seemed to go into the background. His mind became clear. He had a choice to make. Either he would try to get off the track and save himself or he would let the train run him over and finish all misery once and for all. He had to decide this, and that too fast as the train had turned the corner and was coming nearer and nearer. The whistles of the engine getting louder.
He closed his eyes trying to think. Suddenly, as if in a slide show, the pictures of his life came dancing in front of him. He saw his childhood. His parents. Remembered their aspirations. He saw his school. His friends. His first date and the movies. He saw the wrong decisions he made, and why he was where he was right now. And as soon as he thought that, the pain became excruciating. He opened his eyes and saw the train even closer. The whistle louder and piercing.
But there was no way to get out of the current mess. Part of him wanted to end it all. Finish it off, once and for all. People would cry for a few days and then they would lead their lives. With the amount of pain he was in, the crushing of his bones by the incoming train would not even feel much. Or may be he would suffer an arrest from the shock. He was realizing what death was like. He was seeing the difference between life and death. And as far as he thought of his current self, there wasn’t much of a difference.
He weighed his options. He could not move his body an inch. Would someone come crashing down like an angel and take him off the track or would the train stop. But these things only happened in movies. Not in real life. He was destined to die here.
But somewhere inside him, someone wanted to live and show the world what he was made up of. He was a born fighter. A person who came back from the ruins like a Phoenix. He would fight and get over his despair. He wanted to live.
The voices of within were getting as loud as the whistle of the approaching train. But now he had an answer. He wanted to live. He wanted to fight. He tried to move his legs but could not. Using all his power, he was trying to trudge his way out. His body was not co-operating, but he tried on. The train was now even closer. Using his elbows he tried to trudge, but could not. And the anguish became so much that he resigned to die here on the track. He closed his eyes, remembered his parents and God. And with Elvis’s song on his lips, he closed his eyes.
“Good bye mama, pray for me………. I was the black sheep of the family……….a hundred miles ………miles…….from home.”
The tracks were shaking because of the incoming super fast. He was waiting for the pain to end. But why was it taking so long? Why does this moment of truth have to be in slow motion? And then there was a shrieking sound. This must be it, he thought. But still the pain persisted. He tried hard to open his eyes. The train was passing in front of him. He was on the other track.
Tears rolled down his eyes. He tried to smile. The pain was easing out. He shouted in ecstasy. Miracles do happen. He had been given this new lease of life. Now nothing could happen. He lay there feeling himself getting better. The tracks were still trembling but he paid no heed to it. What a relief, he was alive. He would go back and create a new world. He lay there getting his strength back.
And then came a loud shrieking noise. He felt a big thud. And after that nothing. The signal of his track was green.