Understanding My Anger

Sometimes it happens....these days quite so often, that I express anger at even small instances. It didn't happen before. Earlier it was just mild reactions and I used to go quite, brooding inside. Now that brooding has come out. And it is taking a very ugly shape.

I don’t like they way I react, but it happens and it’s beyond my control. Just take something what happened today. I reacted angrily when a book meant for travel reading was forgotten in the car by my mom. She kept quite, not liking my reaction. I didn’t like the way I reacted. And to top it up, when I turned to look at her, I gave the most nastiest and cruel facial reaction, as in why is she reacting like this? I hate myself for this, had warned myself of such a happening; but it still happened.

Was the book so important that it elicited such a reaction or is it something else? Just taking on from there, I feel its time to understand the genesis of this anger.
As mentioned above, this anger was earlier in the form of internal brooding. Everyone praised my patience, but didn't know what struggle went on inside. And I used to play to the galleries. An image of immense patience and resolve, I was the role model for others.

Internally, I used to be so split that sometimes I had to take shelter in some reel life figure. A lot childish, some may say, but was effective. My success in being the idol of patience, in my eyes, was bigger than the success of my idols, in reality. Although, if I say I knew how weak I was inside, would be using the unjustified help of hindsight, and again playing to the galleries.

The main point was that the anger was always there. But while discussing the earliest known form of my anger, we stumbled on the point of being weak inside. Now let us spend sometime in understanding this.

Weakness inside me was more a psychological thing than any other. The idea of performing against all odds, and compulsorily winning was not taught to me. As a child I sensed it. Starting from comparing clothes to schools to toys, everything I did or had was a part of my idea of a life long race. Winning small laps but to keep on running was the mantra. In some cases, it still is. Even as I write this, I am thinking how people would react. This I think is not having confidence in one's self. So another something to ponder on....confidence.

Confidence or the lack of it is an interesting thought. If you know me, I come across as a fairly confident person; on some instances even over confident. But I fear loss, and this forms the source of my lack of confidence. You might turn back and say anyone would fear losing, but once you start putting the onus on winning, as high as I do, you might be sucked into this spiral. And victory to me is so important that on occasions it leads to lying, and above that lying to myself.

Well...well, we have now reached a new corner of this maze of unraveling the internal strife that results in unnecessary anger. And it is about lying to myself. Sometimes when I have to do something, I unnecessarily hype it up so much that it amounts to setting difficult and useless targets. And then I lie to others to make them fall in line. If you look closer, this lying habit stems from the idea of winning against all odds. And we discussed this earlier as a lack of confidence. But where did this lack of confidence come from. I believe it did from something which all parents do, comparing their children with those of others. Its not that I am saying all this happened from there. It didn’t. They compared, because I believe of a similar internal strife. My internal strife and this anger that ensues from it is largely a result of taking the feeling of victory against all odds too seriously. Even more seriously than was intended.

While growing up I have fought many battles inside to defeat this weakness. I have won some, and have lost some. But it has led to discovering the inner depths of my mind. And when I lose this battle to anger and patience, I really become angry at myself, resulting in fruitless show of anger as in nasty facial expressions.

What a day it would be to say whatever you like to anyone and they wont mind. But sadly world is not the movie "Liar Liar". So I still have to fight more battles and win them. Because Victory is essential, this time.... for my sanity.